"YES. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT TWO, BUT YOU ONLY NEED ONE"

Tried to fob me off with that 13 years ago as well!

Anyway. Back to the present (or the very near past to be precise).
Been for my hearing test today. Fan-bloody-tastic. What a palaver just to get told what you already know.

The test itself was quite relaxing to be honest, and saw me sitting in a sparse little room with a nice set of headphones on listening to ..... well very little to be honest (which was an immediate worry). For anyone familiar with the greatest Jazz Trio of the early twenty first century the test was a bit like listening to EST's Ad Interim from the album "Leucocyte" (for those not familiar - may the lord have mercy on your souls).

The second test? Well I didn't like that as much. One earpiece "simulated" the white-noise familiar to those with Tinnitus while the other earpiece bleeped away.

Anyway. Test done and after a nice coffee and cake from the WRVS stall before I was called in to meet "The Expert".

I knew it was bad news when he started shouting as I walked into his office... "just take a seat. I'll be with you in a minute! I've got your results!"

"Yes. I know. I saw the nurse hand them to you.."

"Oh".. slightly deflated that his exciting gossip had been stolen he settled into a more normal mode... "You're a bit deaf in one ear, and you have Tinnitus".

"Yes. I know. That's why I was sent here.."

"No. You were sent here because we thought you MIGHT be a bit deaf. Now we know you ARE a bit deaf. Tell me, do you work in a noisy environment?"

At this point I was sorely tempted to tell him that I work beside a load of Civil Servants and have to listen to them talk shite all day, but settled for the more medical "no".

"I'm going to send you for a scan. It's a bit like a picture of the inside of your head, see if we cant find out what's causing this".

A picture of the inside of my head? Though not a medical man myself, I am fairly familiar with the concept of a "scan". I was beginning to wonder if he had my notes, or if he'd got me mixed up with some poor four year old who was still sitting in reception.

Anyway. As well as my "picture of the inside of my head" I'm also getting sent to a clinic that helps people "self cope" with Tinnitus (WTF ??) Apparently, there are ways and coping mechanisms to stop this white noise blighting your life. Knowing the NHS they probably just give everyone a Phil Collins CD - listen to that a few times and the white noise would be a blessed relief!

Anyway, for the meantime I'm just going to sit hunched over my right speaker on my HiFi and listen to solo piano recordings by Keith Jarrett or Ketil Bjornstad.

I'm getting a wee bit paranoid as this confirmation comes about a month after I got my first ever pair of bifocal specs!! I'm falling to bits. I've missed out the "starting to look like your dad" stage and gone straight onto the "starting to look like your grandad" phase. Honestly, if it wasn't for the knowledge that I still have my Paul Newman like boyish good looks I'd really be depressed.

I've a theory - the human body only has so much power, energy, essence, mojo... call it what you will. The more you channel that into running the less there is for other parts. Maybe these good times and PBs I've been getting are taking their toll. More power in the legs = advanced decrepitude elsewhere ??